I walk
wandering alone in a frozen world
frozen trees
frozen sky
frozen hearts and
frozen minds
While I constantly search
searching for the unknown
the questionable
the non-questionable
the real
the non-real
while everyone around, lies frozen to the ground
Suddenly, I no longer need my coat
my gloves
my boots
my scarf
I begin to feel...warm
My quest will never end
for I search the non-existent
the inspiring
the loving
the ever-lasting questions
that my imagination creates
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
Dying Times
Dying Times
He lies in a bed
machines tell us he's alive, but only for a moment or two
his breathing very subtle
his vision fading
but he still sees the stars
the planets
the universe
adventures
the midnight sky
He still sees his friends
holding his hand
speaking soft words into his ear
though his hearing is dimming
he hears the waterfalls in Brazil
the call of the Albatross
the quiet-stillness of the night of his first kiss
the laughter of friendship
He begins to lose feeling in his hands
the hands which his friends hold on for dear life
and he remembers the soft touch of a rose petal
the wind on his face
the sun on his skin
the rain on his lips
the comfort of earth on his hands
still, he feels the hands holding him
He begins to fade
whispers a soft goodbye to his friends, his family, his wife
tears are shed
but he ask them to not cry
and though he faces these dying times
he whispers the words 'I love you'
and he begins to soar, soars higher than he ever could, pass the mountains
pass clouds
pass the sky
pass the moon
pass the sun
pass the universe itself
and overcomes, these dying times
He lies in a bed
machines tell us he's alive, but only for a moment or two
his breathing very subtle
his vision fading
but he still sees the stars
the planets
the universe
adventures
the midnight sky
He still sees his friends
holding his hand
speaking soft words into his ear
though his hearing is dimming
he hears the waterfalls in Brazil
the call of the Albatross
the quiet-stillness of the night of his first kiss
the laughter of friendship
He begins to lose feeling in his hands
the hands which his friends hold on for dear life
and he remembers the soft touch of a rose petal
the wind on his face
the sun on his skin
the rain on his lips
the comfort of earth on his hands
still, he feels the hands holding him
He begins to fade
whispers a soft goodbye to his friends, his family, his wife
tears are shed
but he ask them to not cry
and though he faces these dying times
he whispers the words 'I love you'
and he begins to soar, soars higher than he ever could, pass the mountains
pass clouds
pass the sky
pass the moon
pass the sun
pass the universe itself
and overcomes, these dying times
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Mama Mia...
Yes, that's right. Every time that commercial comes on, that damn song consumes my brain. It's going to be a great movie, but enough with the commercials. Tomorrow, I work 7 hours :-(
3pm to 10pm. Though most people think this is not too bad, it is to me, because I'll be on the sales floor alllllll day. So, yeah, not pumped.
Charlie is doing well. He broke up with Kelsey, but both of them will move on and live happy lives. Charlie, Dylan, and I are going to Chicago in August to see some lady that Charlie has a crush on. Shes a "singer." Yeah, basically she's a hippe with a harp....I know...a harp... *rolls eyes*
Basically, I'm happy to go to a concert with all my friends. I already started making a CD titled...*drum roll* The Gay CD. It's full of gay artist, because let's face it...this trip's gay already..might as well gay it the fuck up. :)
I'm going to show Dylan and Charlie all the cool places in Chicago...it's the least my $8,460 I paid for tuition can do. I just hope I really don't see the one person I never want to see again. Please, don't let me see him universe. *wide-eyes like in Anime*
This trip will be so amazing because it will be the first time I see Charlie since he returns from his internship. Plus, I get to see Dylan (who I think doesn't like me) again. The last time it was just us three, it was Penguicon, which was sooooo fun!
Well, goodnight world, I'm off to bed!
-Topher
3pm to 10pm. Though most people think this is not too bad, it is to me, because I'll be on the sales floor alllllll day. So, yeah, not pumped.
Charlie is doing well. He broke up with Kelsey, but both of them will move on and live happy lives. Charlie, Dylan, and I are going to Chicago in August to see some lady that Charlie has a crush on. Shes a "singer." Yeah, basically she's a hippe with a harp....I know...a harp... *rolls eyes*
Basically, I'm happy to go to a concert with all my friends. I already started making a CD titled...*drum roll* The Gay CD. It's full of gay artist, because let's face it...this trip's gay already..might as well gay it the fuck up. :)
I'm going to show Dylan and Charlie all the cool places in Chicago...it's the least my $8,460 I paid for tuition can do. I just hope I really don't see the one person I never want to see again. Please, don't let me see him universe. *wide-eyes like in Anime*
This trip will be so amazing because it will be the first time I see Charlie since he returns from his internship. Plus, I get to see Dylan (who I think doesn't like me) again. The last time it was just us three, it was Penguicon, which was sooooo fun!
Well, goodnight world, I'm off to bed!
-Topher
Monday, June 23, 2008
Sitting here, in my undies, and it is 4 pm...
That's right...It's true. I am indeed in my undies at 4 pm...Lame...I know. I went to the YMCA and worked out, like I do almost every day...but today was different. I ran into my first real love on friday. My brother and his band were a headline band at the Mayfly festival, in Dundee, Mi., and I went to support them. While I was there...I met him again. The him in this scenario was my first best friend. Although Charlie is my best friend, and really, the best friend any guy could ask for and I love him to death, but I did not meet Charlie until the 11th grade, in Mr. Matusik's poli sci class. In all, it was the best thing life could have given me. I needed Charlie like macaroni needs cheese. In all seriousness, Charlie, Vanessa, and Anissa were the real reasons why I survived high school. Here's the story...
In 6th grade, I entered middle school. I met a boy and a girl, who would then be my best friends for four years. We were all in each other's classes and we bonded to a high level. You could say, we were "the best of friends." Well, after two years of this relationship, I began to feel stronger feelings than a best friend should. Yes, I became "that guy." I started doing things that went well over the call of duty. But alas, I was young and in love. Later, this feeling towards him led to me being sly...lol Charlie and Stephen...Well, when it came time to spill the beans, he abandoned me. I already knew that was most likely the outcome, but I had to try. We ceased being friends because he could not have a gay best friend. Alas...this hurt to the extreme. I still have not completely healed, and images of the past still haunt my unconsciousness. So to Charlie- sometimes dreams can be a bitch.
Anyways, I finally moved on, went to college, etc etc and forgotten him. Well, not completely, but to a point where it no longer hurt. But, at the festival, I ran into him. Seven years of memories, of pain, of emotion inflamed me. Consumed me. All it took was just one look and an exchange of words. Of course I showed him how better off I am, etc etc etc, you know, how women have to look better, etc etc when they see an ex, well that's how I was. And so was he. But afterwards, dark images hunted my consciousness, and my wall I had built, crumbled. It is usually troublesome how life throws a curve-ball.
I believe love has two sides, almost like Two-Face...or Tom Jones, lol, one full of light, peace, and happiness, the other, the opposite. Sigh, do not worry, I will be alright. :)
-Toph
In 6th grade, I entered middle school. I met a boy and a girl, who would then be my best friends for four years. We were all in each other's classes and we bonded to a high level. You could say, we were "the best of friends." Well, after two years of this relationship, I began to feel stronger feelings than a best friend should. Yes, I became "that guy." I started doing things that went well over the call of duty. But alas, I was young and in love. Later, this feeling towards him led to me being sly...lol Charlie and Stephen...Well, when it came time to spill the beans, he abandoned me. I already knew that was most likely the outcome, but I had to try. We ceased being friends because he could not have a gay best friend. Alas...this hurt to the extreme. I still have not completely healed, and images of the past still haunt my unconsciousness. So to Charlie- sometimes dreams can be a bitch.
Anyways, I finally moved on, went to college, etc etc and forgotten him. Well, not completely, but to a point where it no longer hurt. But, at the festival, I ran into him. Seven years of memories, of pain, of emotion inflamed me. Consumed me. All it took was just one look and an exchange of words. Of course I showed him how better off I am, etc etc etc, you know, how women have to look better, etc etc when they see an ex, well that's how I was. And so was he. But afterwards, dark images hunted my consciousness, and my wall I had built, crumbled. It is usually troublesome how life throws a curve-ball.
I believe love has two sides, almost like Two-Face...or Tom Jones, lol, one full of light, peace, and happiness, the other, the opposite. Sigh, do not worry, I will be alright. :)
-Toph
Sunday, June 15, 2008
One week to go...
So, readers. I only have one week left of school!!! Although, I have three papers, two math tests, and a physical exam, but who's counting!!!! Ugh, cannot WAIT 'til it's over with. This is my last week of Tae Kwon Do until the 26th, when I continue the class. Soon Stephen G and I can battle one another!! Speaking of Stephen G., he finally got a blog, too. He needs an outlet for his crazy mind, so I'm glad he got one.
Fear not, Charlie is safe and healthy. He is enjoying his internship and the weather. Kelsey, his girlfriend, is off to Oklahoma for some "church" thing. We had a good laugh at that, being that Charlie and I are atheists. I had to go to work at seven a.m. today because of floor-set. That was fun. My co-workers and I sang and danced while folding clothes and moving fixtures.
I read Equus the other day, and let me tell you. That is some fucked up shit. I mean, I knew it was going to be, but...wow. And may I just say, Ben Estep, you fail at life and I don't know why you exist. God...Every time I hear his voice, I either want to cut my wrists, or his. Even my professor has said something to him. God...
And now, I'm watching Liar Liar and doing crunches. Workin on my six-pack. :)
Well, love you all and I hope you're all doing well!!
-Topher
Fear not, Charlie is safe and healthy. He is enjoying his internship and the weather. Kelsey, his girlfriend, is off to Oklahoma for some "church" thing. We had a good laugh at that, being that Charlie and I are atheists. I had to go to work at seven a.m. today because of floor-set. That was fun. My co-workers and I sang and danced while folding clothes and moving fixtures.
I read Equus the other day, and let me tell you. That is some fucked up shit. I mean, I knew it was going to be, but...wow. And may I just say, Ben Estep, you fail at life and I don't know why you exist. God...Every time I hear his voice, I either want to cut my wrists, or his. Even my professor has said something to him. God...
And now, I'm watching Liar Liar and doing crunches. Workin on my six-pack. :)
Well, love you all and I hope you're all doing well!!
-Topher
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Wow...
Sorry readers, for taking so long to post a new blog. I have been busy, busy, BUSY! Spring semester started and it has just been so hectic. English is wonderful, amazing, stellar! but math is not my forte. Also, Charlie, my best friend EVER! left for his internship in Washington on Monday, so Ive been hanging out with him as much as possible. And I would just like to state that Indian Jones the fourth movie, sucked. The plot was just ridiculous. And I guess the Red Wings won the Stanley cup...awesome...Stephen C. and I are no longer a couple because we are both just too busy, etc etc etc. And I guess the only other thing I need to report is that today, in Tae Kwon Do, I got a roundhouse kick right to my chest, causing me to almost pass out. It was one of life's lessons I needed to learn...don't spar your teacher...Well, now I am just resting here, and checking my mail. I hope you are well! Night!
-Toph
-Toph
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Imagination- Good...or bad?
Think about it...is imagination good? Is it bad? It's true, without creativity and innovation, we'd still be afraid of fire and hunting animals and gathering berries to survive. But, I'm not speaking of such times. Think about now. Think about your childhood. Mighty princes, powerful heroes who seemed to always get the girl (or if you're the Red Power-Ranger, guy), and wizards/elves have filled our eager minds with such lavish happiness. But, doesn't all this fantasy hurt us in the end? I can recall the day I found out Santa Claus was fictitious. The pain. The disappointment. The world of fantasy is nothing but false hopes...or is it? Is the mere images worth the pain? Is the temporary joy worth the stabbing pain?
Take for instance...Iron Man, Superman, and all the other millions and millions of superheroes. Is it REALLY possible for us to be bitten by radio-active, enhanced spiders, thus giving us super-human strengths and web-slinging abilities. No...in fact, I'd say the p-value for something like that happening is less than 2%. Thus, making it improbable...not IMPOSSIBLE, but improbable. But then, why do we(well, most of us, I think) like things such as these? What makes us humans like fantasy fiction....curiosity? Ambition? Innovation? Who knows...but is it really worth the let down?
Another example, my best friend Charlie dreams to be the creator of true Artificial Intelligence. Without innovation and curiosity, would he have the drive to do such a thing? Without computer-science stories/fantasy, would his dreams be possible? Though I know he will, in the end, do said dream, what about the others? What about those out there who dream of flying in space, though defying gravity is not possible for them? What about those who dream to be the President--because their mommies and daddies said they could do whatever they wish?
Sometime ago, Charlie couldn't remember any of his dreams. I know he has been getting better at remembering...but I've always wanted to ask. Was he happy that he didn't dream? Was it better to be realistic? Just another man in a gray suit? I constantly dream. Sometimes, I dream in mid-sentence...and I space off on different tangents...only to be succumbed to the reality in which I live. I for one, always wanted to be a Jedi, a superhero, the smartest man alive, etc etc etc....depends on the time. While growing up, shows like Power- Rangers, Pokemon, Yugioh, etc etc sparked my interest. But, now looking back on them, have they really helped me? Or have they let me down....somehow? Is it better to be black and white, or to have the gray- the uncertain, the ambiguity, the anticipation? Or is it truly better to be ignorant...does not ignorance create bliss?
I for one, have an 'artist' mind. I see gray, the unknown, the illogical...but should I train my eyes to see things just as they are? Should I just accept the fact 1+1=2, no matter how much my heart says...'but what if...?' Its true, even Shakespeare would agree...the heart is indeed the strongest muscle, but it is also the weakest. The heart sees the world so much differently than the brain ( to understand my reference better, see- The Clod and the Pebble, it is a poem(google it). Scientist hate everything gray...whereas artists strive on such worlds. As Mr. McCloskey put it- " A scientist will write a word, and have it mean exactly one definition, whereas a poet will write a word, and have that said word mean two, three, or more things...such as 'lies,' 'hard,' and 'cold.'" I think that's true. Many of my scientific friends hate it when I say something, and they are not able to understand the hidden truths behind my words. Charlie would say a sentence and mean exactly that. I.e.- " My cat is big." Whereas my sentence would be- " My cat is big." Perhaps I mean big as in fat...or big in spirit....or big in heart...etc etc. Don't we all have different meanings of the word 'love?' Some of us, the word love is hard to say, whereas, in others, it rolls off their tongue. Does it the word's meaning change with the amount of usage? If I say the word love' five hundred times a day, do I mean it any less than the girl who says it once? I guess that's for you to decide...
My point is this...is the high worth the low? Is the disappointment worth the distraction? Is the pain worth the healing? Just think about it...
I know for me...the high will always be worth the low. I will always follow my heart, no matter what my brain is screaming at me. It's just my nature. I am powered by my heart, my soul, my dreams...but sometimes I wonder if I should end all that...but then, just as I'm about to dissemble my world, my dreams, my compassion, my heart presents a new dream...a sweet dream...one that makes my body light...as I'm flying past the roaring comets, the rings of Saturn, the blackness of space...
-Toph
Take for instance...Iron Man, Superman, and all the other millions and millions of superheroes. Is it REALLY possible for us to be bitten by radio-active, enhanced spiders, thus giving us super-human strengths and web-slinging abilities. No...in fact, I'd say the p-value for something like that happening is less than 2%. Thus, making it improbable...not IMPOSSIBLE, but improbable. But then, why do we(well, most of us, I think) like things such as these? What makes us humans like fantasy fiction....curiosity? Ambition? Innovation? Who knows...but is it really worth the let down?
Another example, my best friend Charlie dreams to be the creator of true Artificial Intelligence. Without innovation and curiosity, would he have the drive to do such a thing? Without computer-science stories/fantasy, would his dreams be possible? Though I know he will, in the end, do said dream, what about the others? What about those out there who dream of flying in space, though defying gravity is not possible for them? What about those who dream to be the President--because their mommies and daddies said they could do whatever they wish?
Sometime ago, Charlie couldn't remember any of his dreams. I know he has been getting better at remembering...but I've always wanted to ask. Was he happy that he didn't dream? Was it better to be realistic? Just another man in a gray suit? I constantly dream. Sometimes, I dream in mid-sentence...and I space off on different tangents...only to be succumbed to the reality in which I live. I for one, always wanted to be a Jedi, a superhero, the smartest man alive, etc etc etc....depends on the time. While growing up, shows like Power- Rangers, Pokemon, Yugioh, etc etc sparked my interest. But, now looking back on them, have they really helped me? Or have they let me down....somehow? Is it better to be black and white, or to have the gray- the uncertain, the ambiguity, the anticipation? Or is it truly better to be ignorant...does not ignorance create bliss?
I for one, have an 'artist' mind. I see gray, the unknown, the illogical...but should I train my eyes to see things just as they are? Should I just accept the fact 1+1=2, no matter how much my heart says...'but what if...?' Its true, even Shakespeare would agree...the heart is indeed the strongest muscle, but it is also the weakest. The heart sees the world so much differently than the brain ( to understand my reference better, see- The Clod and the Pebble, it is a poem(google it). Scientist hate everything gray...whereas artists strive on such worlds. As Mr. McCloskey put it- " A scientist will write a word, and have it mean exactly one definition, whereas a poet will write a word, and have that said word mean two, three, or more things...such as 'lies,' 'hard,' and 'cold.'" I think that's true. Many of my scientific friends hate it when I say something, and they are not able to understand the hidden truths behind my words. Charlie would say a sentence and mean exactly that. I.e.- " My cat is big." Whereas my sentence would be- " My cat is big." Perhaps I mean big as in fat...or big in spirit....or big in heart...etc etc. Don't we all have different meanings of the word 'love?' Some of us, the word love is hard to say, whereas, in others, it rolls off their tongue. Does it the word's meaning change with the amount of usage? If I say the word love' five hundred times a day, do I mean it any less than the girl who says it once? I guess that's for you to decide...
My point is this...is the high worth the low? Is the disappointment worth the distraction? Is the pain worth the healing? Just think about it...
I know for me...the high will always be worth the low. I will always follow my heart, no matter what my brain is screaming at me. It's just my nature. I am powered by my heart, my soul, my dreams...but sometimes I wonder if I should end all that...but then, just as I'm about to dissemble my world, my dreams, my compassion, my heart presents a new dream...a sweet dream...one that makes my body light...as I'm flying past the roaring comets, the rings of Saturn, the blackness of space...
-Toph
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