Question

I walk
wandering alone in a frozen world
frozen trees
frozen sky
frozen hearts and
frozen minds

While I constantly search
searching for the unknown
the questionable
the non-questionable
the real
the non-real
while everyone around, lies frozen to the ground

Suddenly, I no longer need my coat
my gloves
my boots
my scarf
I begin to feel...warm

My quest will never end
for I search the non-existent
the inspiring
the loving
the ever-lasting questions
that my imagination creates

Dying Times

Dying Times

He lies in a bed
machines tell us he's alive, but only for a moment or two
his breathing very subtle
his vision fading
but he still sees the stars
the planets
the universe
adventures
the midnight sky

He still sees his friends
holding his hand
speaking soft words into his ear
though his hearing is dimming
he hears the waterfalls in Brazil
the call of the Albatross
the quiet-stillness of the night of his first kiss
the laughter of friendship

He begins to lose feeling in his hands
the hands which his friends hold on for dear life
and he remembers the soft touch of a rose petal
the wind on his face
the sun on his skin
the rain on his lips
the comfort of earth on his hands
still, he feels the hands holding him

He begins to fade
whispers a soft goodbye to his friends, his family, his wife
tears are shed
but he ask them to not cry
and though he faces these dying times
he whispers the words 'I love you'
and he begins to soar, soars higher than he ever could, pass the mountains
pass clouds
pass the sky
pass the moon
pass the sun
pass the universe itself
and overcomes, these dying times

Mama Mia...

Yes, that's right. Every time that commercial comes on, that damn song consumes my brain. It's going to be a great movie, but enough with the commercials. Tomorrow, I work 7 hours :-(
3pm to 10pm. Though most people think this is not too bad, it is to me, because I'll be on the sales floor alllllll day. So, yeah, not pumped.

Charlie is doing well. He broke up with Kelsey, but both of them will move on and live happy lives. Charlie, Dylan, and I are going to Chicago in August to see some lady that Charlie has a crush on. Shes a "singer." Yeah, basically she's a hippe with a harp....I know...a harp... *rolls eyes*
Basically, I'm happy to go to a concert with all my friends. I already started making a CD titled...*drum roll* The Gay CD. It's full of gay artist, because let's face it...this trip's gay already..might as well gay it the fuck up. :)

I'm going to show Dylan and Charlie all the cool places in Chicago...it's the least my $8,460 I paid for tuition can do. I just hope I really don't see the one person I never want to see again. Please, don't let me see him universe. *wide-eyes like in Anime*
This trip will be so amazing because it will be the first time I see Charlie since he returns from his internship. Plus, I get to see Dylan (who I think doesn't like me) again. The last time it was just us three, it was Penguicon, which was sooooo fun!

Well, goodnight world, I'm off to bed!

-Topher

Sitting here, in my undies, and it is 4 pm...

That's right...It's true. I am indeed in my undies at 4 pm...Lame...I know. I went to the YMCA and worked out, like I do almost every day...but today was different. I ran into my first real love on friday. My brother and his band were a headline band at the Mayfly festival, in Dundee, Mi., and I went to support them. While I was there...I met him again. The him in this scenario was my first best friend. Although Charlie is my best friend, and really, the best friend any guy could ask for and I love him to death, but I did not meet Charlie until the 11th grade, in Mr. Matusik's poli sci class. In all, it was the best thing life could have given me. I needed Charlie like macaroni needs cheese. In all seriousness, Charlie, Vanessa, and Anissa were the real reasons why I survived high school. Here's the story...

In 6th grade, I entered middle school. I met a boy and a girl, who would then be my best friends for four years. We were all in each other's classes and we bonded to a high level. You could say, we were "the best of friends." Well, after two years of this relationship, I began to feel stronger feelings than a best friend should. Yes, I became "that guy." I started doing things that went well over the call of duty. But alas, I was young and in love. Later, this feeling towards him led to me being sly...lol Charlie and Stephen...Well, when it came time to spill the beans, he abandoned me. I already knew that was most likely the outcome, but I had to try. We ceased being friends because he could not have a gay best friend. Alas...this hurt to the extreme. I still have not completely healed, and images of the past still haunt my unconsciousness. So to Charlie- sometimes dreams can be a bitch.

Anyways, I finally moved on, went to college, etc etc and forgotten him. Well, not completely, but to a point where it no longer hurt. But, at the festival, I ran into him. Seven years of memories, of pain, of emotion inflamed me. Consumed me. All it took was just one look and an exchange of words. Of course I showed him how better off I am, etc etc etc, you know, how women have to look better, etc etc when they see an ex, well that's how I was. And so was he. But afterwards, dark images hunted my consciousness, and my wall I had built, crumbled. It is usually troublesome how life throws a curve-ball.

I believe love has two sides, almost like Two-Face...or Tom Jones, lol, one full of light, peace, and happiness, the other, the opposite. Sigh, do not worry, I will be alright. :)

-Toph

One week to go...

So, readers. I only have one week left of school!!! Although, I have three papers, two math tests, and a physical exam, but who's counting!!!! Ugh, cannot WAIT 'til it's over with. This is my last week of Tae Kwon Do until the 26th, when I continue the class. Soon Stephen G and I can battle one another!! Speaking of Stephen G., he finally got a blog, too. He needs an outlet for his crazy mind, so I'm glad he got one.

Fear not, Charlie is safe and healthy. He is enjoying his internship and the weather. Kelsey, his girlfriend, is off to Oklahoma for some "church" thing. We had a good laugh at that, being that Charlie and I are atheists. I had to go to work at seven a.m. today because of floor-set. That was fun. My co-workers and I sang and danced while folding clothes and moving fixtures.

I read Equus the other day, and let me tell you. That is some fucked up shit. I mean, I knew it was going to be, but...wow. And may I just say, Ben Estep, you fail at life and I don't know why you exist. God...Every time I hear his voice, I either want to cut my wrists, or his. Even my professor has said something to him. God...

And now, I'm watching Liar Liar and doing crunches. Workin on my six-pack. :)
Well, love you all and I hope you're all doing well!!

-Topher

Wow...

Sorry readers, for taking so long to post a new blog. I have been busy, busy, BUSY! Spring semester started and it has just been so hectic. English is wonderful, amazing, stellar! but math is not my forte. Also, Charlie, my best friend EVER! left for his internship in Washington on Monday, so Ive been hanging out with him as much as possible. And I would just like to state that Indian Jones the fourth movie, sucked. The plot was just ridiculous. And I guess the Red Wings won the Stanley cup...awesome...Stephen C. and I are no longer a couple because we are both just too busy, etc etc etc. And I guess the only other thing I need to report is that today, in Tae Kwon Do, I got a roundhouse kick right to my chest, causing me to almost pass out. It was one of life's lessons I needed to learn...don't spar your teacher...Well, now I am just resting here, and checking my mail. I hope you are well! Night!

-Toph

Imagination- Good...or bad?

Think about it...is imagination good? Is it bad? It's true, without creativity and innovation, we'd still be afraid of fire and hunting animals and gathering berries to survive. But, I'm not speaking of such times. Think about now. Think about your childhood. Mighty princes, powerful heroes who seemed to always get the girl (or if you're the Red Power-Ranger, guy), and wizards/elves have filled our eager minds with such lavish happiness. But, doesn't all this fantasy hurt us in the end? I can recall the day I found out Santa Claus was fictitious. The pain. The disappointment. The world of fantasy is nothing but false hopes...or is it? Is the mere images worth the pain? Is the temporary joy worth the stabbing pain?

Take for instance...Iron Man, Superman, and all the other millions and millions of superheroes. Is it REALLY possible for us to be bitten by radio-active, enhanced spiders, thus giving us super-human strengths and web-slinging abilities. No...in fact, I'd say the p-value for something like that happening is less than 2%. Thus, making it improbable...not IMPOSSIBLE, but improbable. But then, why do we(well, most of us, I think) like things such as these? What makes us humans like fantasy fiction....curiosity? Ambition? Innovation? Who knows...but is it really worth the let down?

Another example, my best friend Charlie dreams to be the creator of true Artificial Intelligence. Without innovation and curiosity, would he have the drive to do such a thing? Without computer-science stories/fantasy, would his dreams be possible? Though I know he will, in the end, do said dream, what about the others? What about those out there who dream of flying in space, though defying gravity is not possible for them? What about those who dream to be the President--because their mommies and daddies said they could do whatever they wish?

Sometime ago, Charlie couldn't remember any of his dreams. I know he has been getting better at remembering...but I've always wanted to ask. Was he happy that he didn't dream? Was it better to be realistic? Just another man in a gray suit? I constantly dream. Sometimes, I dream in mid-sentence...and I space off on different tangents...only to be succumbed to the reality in which I live. I for one, always wanted to be a Jedi, a superhero, the smartest man alive, etc etc etc....depends on the time. While growing up, shows like Power- Rangers, Pokemon, Yugioh, etc etc sparked my interest. But, now looking back on them, have they really helped me? Or have they let me down....somehow? Is it better to be black and white, or to have the gray- the uncertain, the ambiguity, the anticipation? Or is it truly better to be ignorant...does not ignorance create bliss?

I for one, have an 'artist' mind. I see gray, the unknown, the illogical...but should I train my eyes to see things just as they are? Should I just accept the fact 1+1=2, no matter how much my heart says...'but what if...?' Its true, even Shakespeare would agree...the heart is indeed the strongest muscle, but it is also the weakest. The heart sees the world so much differently than the brain ( to understand my reference better, see- The Clod and the Pebble, it is a poem(google it). Scientist hate everything gray...whereas artists strive on such worlds. As Mr. McCloskey put it- " A scientist will write a word, and have it mean exactly one definition, whereas a poet will write a word, and have that said word mean two, three, or more things...such as 'lies,' 'hard,' and 'cold.'" I think that's true. Many of my scientific friends hate it when I say something, and they are not able to understand the hidden truths behind my words. Charlie would say a sentence and mean exactly that. I.e.- " My cat is big." Whereas my sentence would be- " My cat is big." Perhaps I mean big as in fat...or big in spirit....or big in heart...etc etc. Don't we all have different meanings of the word 'love?' Some of us, the word love is hard to say, whereas, in others, it rolls off their tongue. Does it the word's meaning change with the amount of usage? If I say the word love' five hundred times a day, do I mean it any less than the girl who says it once? I guess that's for you to decide...

My point is this...is the high worth the low? Is the disappointment worth the distraction? Is the pain worth the healing? Just think about it...

I know for me...the high will always be worth the low. I will always follow my heart, no matter what my brain is screaming at me. It's just my nature. I am powered by my heart, my soul, my dreams...but sometimes I wonder if I should end all that...but then, just as I'm about to dissemble my world, my dreams, my compassion, my heart presents a new dream...a sweet dream...one that makes my body light...as I'm flying past the roaring comets, the rings of Saturn, the blackness of space...

-Toph

Fulfilling Days...

Sorry readers, I've been quite busy the few days :-( Hope you haven't missed me too much ;-)
Work has consumed most of my time lately, as well as the sun. Lately, I've been to compelled to stay in-doors. I have been roller-blading and running as much as possible. I just love my ipod and exercising. Gets my mind off of other things.
Also, Stephen C. and I are officially in a relationship now :) We made it official the other day --the 8th--so now I am a boyfriend. I hung out with Charlie on the 9th and we had some real fun. I just like spending time with my best guy friend. Vanessa, Nissa, and I went to McDonald's the other night and had some ice cream, since it's been such a long time seeing one another. I guess the two gals have become interested in making jewelry, so I bought one to support their new trade. It is nice. Its just a black string necklace with a red-circle pendent. I love it.
I've recently have become absolutely addicted to Ouran H.S. Host Club. I was enthused by Bleach, but Ouran just makes me laugh...from the gut. I love anime. I'm actually listening to Japanese music while writing this post. :-)
For those who don't know, I am currently saving my money so i can spend all of next summer in Japan. I'll be there for 4-5 weeks-backpacking. So, yeah, I need to learn the language, and soon! So much to do! So much to do!! I've healed 100% from my little accident and I'm feeling great.
I wish you all a great day/night, and a blissful life!!!

-toph

So get this!

Yesterday, was probably the strangest day in my life. I was hit by a car while roller-blading. Don't worry, I am okay. I just got a few bruises and cuts/scrapes. But I mean, honestly, I really think Charlie is right. We do live epic lives...I mean, I have a minor heart attack and now, I got hit by a car. The universe is just throwing every goddamn negative force at me these days. But I will triumph! Fuck you universe! lol...but not really, I love you universe, just cut me some slack.
So anyways, here's how it all went down. I was roller-blading near the YMCA in my hometown. I was gliding down this hill and there was this guy in the middle of the sidewalk. I warned the guy that I was going to pass him on the right, but later, I found out he was slightly...'slow,' if you know what I mean. So anyways, I was concentrated on not hitting this guy. The girl in the car, didn't stop at the stop sign like she should, while exiting the YMCA, and didn't see me coming. Well, of course, I CAN'T STOP ON A DIME....and she hit me. According to her, I performed three flips in the air, and landed some 45 feet away...blocking all lanes of traffic.
So, she gets out of her car and she is freaking out...like that's going to help. When I opened my eyes, my first thought was " Is my ipod okay?" I know that sounds lame, but my ipod is like...attached to my body...I use it about 35% of the day...and then I was concerned about my elbow, since it was raging with pain. I just stared at the blue sky. I mean, I remember asking myself: " Did I REALLY just get hit by a car? That shit only happens in movies..." But in the end, I really did get hit by one. So the YMCA gals came and helped me out. The police and paramedics were summoned, and I had to go to the E.R....but I'm fine, just aches and pains. I hope that girl has learned her lesson...PEDESTRIANS HAVE THE RIGHT-OF-WAY BITCH!....and fucking stop at a stop sign.
If she couldn't see me...a 6'2'' man in a white shirt, then she sure is NOT going to see a 7yr old boy walking. I'm just glad it was me who was hit instead of some boy or girl. It was just inconvenient because I had to spend a lot of time at the hospital... so I guess this page is dedicated to stop signs, and those who obey them....OBEY THEM!

-Toph

Late Night Movies...

Today, I had work from 12-6pm. It was a busy day. Only Kellie and and I worked, but we had a blast, like we always do. It was so busy that I had to stay until 8pm just to clean up the mess. It was sort of a long, but short day. short because I was constantly busy, but long also because the clock never seemed to move. Charlie is in New York City, with his gal, Kelsey, and i hope they are having a great time.
When I came home from work, I popped in a pizza in the oven and immediately went to Youtube. One of the best things I like to do is watch movies via Youtube. Thank you Google for all your wonders. I watched, not one, not two, but THREE movies via Youtube. I watched: Sixteen Candles, Robin Hood- Men in tights, and the Hutchback of Notre Dame. I had a blast with each. I went from a 16 yr old school girl, to a Straight Man who wears tights, and lastly, a crooked judge who sees corruption everywhere, except within.
As of now, it is 12:35 am, Monday, and I am talking to my Stephen (C.). Too many Stephens, lol. He is currently packing things up so he can move into his new summer cottage for the Summer semester at his school(Hope college). We spoke of Cedar Point, Pcon, and various other things. He really is the cat's meow. The cheese to my macaroni. great, now I'm hungry. :)
I bought my mom a ring for Mother's Day. It was three diamonds, each representing her children( there's me, my sister, and my brother). Three diamonds, three children. So I hope she likes it--she better *shakes fist*

Yesterday, was not so good a day, lol. I dropped $500 on my costume for future conventions and Halloween. I will be *drum roll*...........................The Green Arrow! So yeah, $500 gone. Now Charlie needs a costume...yes Charlie, you need a costume. And it better be epic....bitch, lol. In case you readers don't know, Charlie and I live Epic Lives. Shit just seems to go down whenever we are together. Like the universe is trying to fuck with us, or something. The craziest events happen. I think the biggest one would have to be the Randall Munroe affair. In short, we managed to piss off Randall Munroe( creator of xkcd web-comics). It was intentional, of course, but when we were getting his autograph, there was just a lot of confusion and dismay, and then an Ox had to show up(not a real one, a guy in a costume) and had to deliver a package to him. It was just a crazy sequence of events, but it was epic. We now have a memory tied with the legendary Randall Munroe. Beat that suckers!

-Sleep well, world,
-Topher

Saturday...

Yesterday, I went to work and had some friends come and surprise me. Charlie and Stephen G. came by and "kid-napped" after I got off work, and we went to lunch. After we ate, we went over to Stephen's house and watched an episode of FireFly and the first Pokemon movie. While we watched FireFly, one of the characters said to a man: " Are you sly? If so, I have my boys..." - implying that she has men for him to sleep with, if he was gay. Well, goddammit, OF COURSE my friends picked up on that, and now, our new thing is to say "sly" instead of gay. It's been day two, and I already think we've abused it.
Also, yesterday, I realized, that my friends and I are total nerds. We discussed the most nerdiest of things, such as the lack of technology in Star Wars holograms, despite the abundant technology around them. That was probably the least of things we've discussed. But, I learned, no matter how different our lives may be, we will always know how to make each other laugh, cry, and feel loved. My dream followed this similar pattern of events. It encompassed my friends, but in the cartoon show, Bleach. I could not save them no matter how hard I tried, and I awoke at 7 a.m. from it. I just didn't know what I could have done to save them, and in the end, I failed. After I awoke, I ran to the YMCA to clear my head, and start the day off.
Today, I went to dinner with Charlie, Kelsey, Stephen G., Dylan, and a few other people. Dinner was fun. After dinner, we went to see the movie Iron Man. Definitely better than Spider-man.It is just amazing how much fun someone can have just by simply hanging out with his/her best friends. I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Now, it is 1:53 am, Saturday morning, and I am chatting with Stephen C. and Charlie. Life just couldn't get any better. I definitely think I am starting to like, like this boy. Let me tell you readers, I probably had the cutest conversation with him yesterday. Stephen and I had a conversation, which turned into a story, about a vampire hunter saving a boy prince, and, just as we were heading to bed, Stephen said " g'night my guardian angel" --note: I was the vampire hunter who was an angel and he was the cute, young prince, who I saved-- It was just so sweet and cute that I felt butterflies in my stomach. I just hope he feels the same way. I always seem to go into things a little too much, but I hope this one works out...*I'm already starting to feel the butterflies, again...*

Live in Peace, readers,
-Toph

Aggravation----

If there is anything I hate most, other than being lost( my number one fear), it would have to be my inability to work computers when I need them to. I currently installed the new version of Linux- Ubuntu, and I am having major problems. Joshua, a friend I met at Penguicon, tried to help me, but my aggravation got the best of me.
Also, news about yesterday, Kellie, manager at Aero, had a great time in Colorado; but her Aunt was a little insane, though she is 88, so I guess it wasn't intentional. Work was average. We beat our sales goal, and on Monday nights, Kellie and I clean the store to the sounds of Hairspray. Usually something we both look forward to. I came home from work and immediately jumped on the Internet. Why? Because I'll tell you. A boy. No, not just a boy, but a boy I sort of like. We met at Penguicon 6.0, and I dunno. I feel a connection. Well, back to my point, I jumped online because he has finals and informed me that he would be off-line earlier than before. Well, I'm sort of selfish. So, I wanted every minute I could. Which leads to my next point. He probably said the cutest thing to me, which made me melt like butter. At Pcon, he had to go to the bathroom while we were cuddling in the Anime room. Well, he came back and I noticed his heart was racing, so I asked him about it. He said: " I ran to the restroom so I could be with you as long as I can..." I have never felt so good before. But today is his birthday. He is 20 now. Hurray! I hope he had a good one...

Today, I bought pizza for my sister and her friends, because I like having dinner or lunch with my sister. My brother was absent. because he was at work. I showed my sister her favorite scene from Dirty Dancing, and we just had a good time; until my computer crapped out on me...
I roller-bladed throughout town and went to the YMCA. It felt good to work out and get my mind free of the ever frightening visions that ensue. Truly, music is the key to freedom...
Now I'm just listening to Queen, slightly watching Home Improvement, and chatting with Josh. Just waiting for Stephen to jump online...

The Beginning-

Charlie, my best friend, just tuned me onto this site...since we both live epic lives, we thought it would be great if we documented all the things that happen to us. So, in short...this is just the beginning...

Today, I rested from my late night conversations with Charlie, Stephen G., and Stephen C. I like chatting late into the night, because there are few distractions. Also, I just love talking to my friends with great music playing on my itunes. Recently, I've been playing guitar hero, and now, I wish to learn how to play a guitar. Many years ago, I tried, and failed miserably. My brother, J.J., has all the musical talent, but I have an irrational fear of being left behind...so I think I'm going to try it again. I work tonight, at Aeropostale, and it should be fun because Kellie, one of my managers and great friend, will have returned from Colorado; so she will have many stories to tell me. I hope. I went to MC3 ( Monroe County Comm. College) to buy my books, but apparently, I need to wait until the fifth of May to do so. Even though I was slightly irritated, I had a good time with my sister. We went for lunch and just talked. My sister, Sara, is twenty five, and my brother, J.J., is a mere sixteen years of age. I am nineteen. I am Christopher, but you may also call me Topher, or if you're daring, Admiral.